Glad.

Currently reading the book of John.

The past month has been crazy with planning Crescendo, picking up grades, teachers cramming in last minute tests, and Christmas shopping. I realized that this school year, I seem to always be rushing, maybe because there are so many things to do, maybe because I'm too anxious. In midst of this mess, I've been telling God that He felt far away. But of course, how can He NOT feel far away when I seem to be dabbing at everything except my quiet times? I seem to be doing everything but spending time with Him.

That's why I'm rereading John. I need to be reminded of Jesus again through the Gospel. Can't just keep doing everything that I think will please God, without taking the time to actually think about who it is I'm working for.

So far, John's been a blessing. I get to marvel at the works of Jesus, and the subtle ways that He works.

"The friend of the bridesgroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. There for this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:29-30

Though John is talking about Jesus in that verse, it still reminds me so much of sacrificial love for others and serving in church. The past 2 weeks, God has really been teaching me over and over again the need to be made weak so that He can be glorified, and the need to truly love others before myself. Both are lessons I've learned before, but to really consistently do them seem impossible without God's subtle reminders.

I'm very thankful for 2009. Glad for all the blessings and growth, as well as the struggles and tears.

Current list of goals for 2010:

-finish Desiring God.

-finish the Relationship Series by Rick Holland (3 more sermons to go)

(more to come)

clearly a blur.

Crescendo was on Saturday.

Reflecting on the event after, I honestly tell you that I don't remember much of the actual night. Feels like I was out of my body when everything happened. But for the parts I do remember, I have come to a conclusion.

I mainly remember the set up. Waking up with butterflies, thinking that this is what I've worked for all year, feeling shaky about the turn out, patting myself on the back for getting TNB and Clara Chung, etc. Setting up, everything that could go wrong, went wrong. A performer went AWOL, the lights that should have taken an hour to set up went way overtime, we were behind on schedule, the video was no where to be found, carpets weren't set up, worship band was starting late, it was raining like crazy, then, the power went out, twice. The first time, it caught me by surprise, i didn't know what was going on. But it came back on before I had time to panic. The second time, I naturally had expectations for it to turn out like the first one. Regardless, we gathered outside to pray. After awhile, it seemed pretty obvious that the power wasn't coming back on anytime soon. I began to panic. I felt defeated. Done. My pride was hurting, if I had any left. I failed. I battled between looking calm and releasing my true emotions. I had a team to carry through, I couldn't be the first one to break down. They trusted in God. What about me?As people searched for the fuse box, I stepped outside. The hugs from other people aimed to comfort me did nothing. I didn't want sympathy. Standing outside, I felt the tears starting to accumulate. The power came back on before they ever came out.

I don't really remember any of the performances. I can recall only TNB's. Everything else is a blur. But that's ok. As I was journaling tonight, I realized that perhaps God never allowed me to remember those things. Sure, i was there, i should be able to remember. But i don't. Instead, I remember how God saved me when I was defeated. How He took care of things before I broke down completely. How He is faithful to provide for me even when I have been unfaithful to Him. How He has grace for me even when I have been sinning against Him, ignoring Him, denying Him, questioning Him. He allows me to have peace when I have been leading with the wrong mindset. He is faithful when I am not.

I realize that, knowing me, had I remembered the actual event, I would've taken the glory in for myself. People have told me it was well organized, a good turnout, big bands. I can't recall the turn out, but I know that if I did, the glory would've been my own, not God's. Had I recalled the peoples cheers, they would've filled me up, not God.

I'm grateful that I can only remember the parts of the day where only God was glorified, and I was made into nothing. And that I can only recall when nothing was in my control, and I had no choice but to let go and let God.

Dear God,

Thank you for Truth that stands when my rationality fails. Thank You for mercy that prevails when I sin. Thank You for loving and saving me when I least deserve it.

In Jesus Name,

Amen.

Reflection.

"Each person needs someone to simply be there for him to listen and have compassion for him."

Thriller

Everyday, at around 1:30/2am-ish, I turn into a zombie. I go through this stage of haziness, my head gets all cloudy and dizzy. Then its like I'm living in another world. I'm not mentally at my desk doing work. This could be the result of sleeping 3 hours a night. But you know what it really is? If I stayed up until 4 everyday because I was doing honest work, then I don't think I would be zombie-like. I think it's cuz I basically waste time until 4, thinking I'm going to do work. I kinda dab at everything: math, envisci, eng, apps. But never really fully do any of those. Then of course, YouTube catches my attention, and next thing i know, i've finished 3 episodes of Gossip Girl. It's the lack of brain activity and constant staring into a computer that's making my brain cells fry, and thus, turning me into a zombie. Then of course, I go to school not really paying attention because I'm so tired already.

Seriously lacking some motivation.

This year is challenging.

Look at the stars...

Tonight was the Leonid meteor shower.

At 1ish, I went and made some hot chocolate, and sat on the steps on the porch to look at the stars.

At first, I thought I wasn't going to see any because the sky didn't seem too clear, and my neighbors lights were on. Regardless of which, I think sitting out there in the cold with the contrasting warmth of my drink has become my most peaceful time alone in a long time.

Within 5 minutes of sitting and staring, I saw a meteor zoom by me. I felt fortunate enough to have seen even one, under such conditions. Yet I couldn't help but wish for another, maybe a sky full? That'd be cool. As I sat there some more, I began to reflect upon my life, and God. I realized my spiritual life right now reflects so much of that meteor. (kinda cheesy, but go with me on this). After that one meteor had passed me, my eyes stared in that general direction, knowing now that it came from right to left, etc. Instead of wandering around looking at different areas, I sat and stared at that one chunk of sky, expecting another to pass by, in the same manner as the last. I suddenly became experienced. Likewise, I realized that while I am doubting God, I have experienced Him before. I know that He's real, He has revealed Himself to me before. But I'm sitting here waiting for Him to tap me on the shoulders again, in the same manner as last time. And if He doesn't do so, if He uses another approach, maybe a more subtle approach, then He must be a false god right? No! I shouldn't be limiting God to what I am accustomed to. He doesn't work under my rules.

God can't be limited to only that piece of sky.

want ad:

currently looking for:

-person to go to MOCA/LACMA with

-person who likes nature

-person who likes road trips

-person who likes coffee

-someone adventurous

would be nice if this was all one person, but would be ok if you only fit one category.

note: this is not an ad for a boyfriend.(but if you happen to be male, that'd be ok too. )

sidenote: i'm so excited for christmas i can't even breathe.

Oh how could it be?

I forget easily.

Every struggle seems to be new. It allows room for dramatic sighs, melancholy thoughts, and faltering doubts. It permits me to temporarily stand on wavering logs in the ocean, ready to tip at any moment, and ponder on hopelessness. It gives me an excuse to go with the way of the world for a little bit.

I never seem to remember that God has brought me through every struggle I've been through. While I question Him, He has been faithful to keep His promises: I have been struck down, but He has never allowed me to be destroyed, perplexed, but never in full despair.

I confess. In this spiral staircase of my spiritual life, I am overdue for a struggle. I have become comfortable with where I am spiritually right now; proud, even. On one part, grateful for how God's molded me these past 4 years, thankful for trials passed. But on the other hand, feeling smug and complacent, sort of a "oh how I've matured" type of thing.

I am reminded of the apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians. In chapter 12, Paul is explaining to the Corinthians about how when God gave Paul many revelations, he was given a thorn of the flesh to prevent him from boasting.

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me" (2 Cor. 12:7)

Who am I to boast of this minuscule progress I've made? What am I compared to God, in His holiness and pure perfection? This trial, this lowering in ranks, this lack of direction, I believe this is God's way of humbling me, bringing me back to my proper place. He's telling me to stop robbing Him of His glory, of His work. The sense of struggling leaves a familiar taste on my tongue because I trust that God will do amazing things through it, but it also brings a new taste, a taste of how much I will suffer this time, a fear of how much I will grumble. But when I am weak, then His power is made perfect in me.

Slowly, I've come to develop a love/hate relationship with struggles. I hate the uncertainty that seems to come with every struggle. Regardless of how much head knowledge I have, my emotions over take my facts, and thus results in uncertainty. I hate hate hate the emotions that come with struggling; the fears and anxiety, the uncertainty and doubt. But I love the process itself. The molding and refining, the realizations and discoveries. Trials are almost a tangible confirmation that God is working in me. I love even the pain and tears; it gives me hope knowing that one day God will be glorified through this and I will be more Christlike after this.

How wonderful it is that my God is one whose grace is sufficient for all my sins! That even in my grumbling and complaining, in my pride and selfishness, He loves me still.

hello old friend.

I forgot

how much I love playing my guitar

until this week

when i picked it up again.

and pressed again on the fret board,

and remembered how much

i love strumming and singing,

and getting lost in the chords.

Forgot how much it joy it brought me,

how my troubles faded..

how it helped me to breathe. for just one second.

Empty.

Father,

I know that You are faithful. You will provide. Yet why do i worry? When will my head knowledge turn into heart knowledge? Where is my faith? I've become easily swayed by the things of this world. In need of another reminder that these are not the things that bring everlasting joy, only temporary. Need to again know that I am but a visitor here, my home rests with You. So easily I lose sight of You. So easily I forget of the times You've kept Your promise, always bringing me out of struggles, stronger. Seems like every new struggle is something different, something hopeless. You never said that we will be comfortable following You. Never said it'd be easy. Father, it is not I who leads but You. I'm sorry that I've been robbing You of Your glory, of the praise that You deserve. Thank You that You are loving. That You'd sacrifice to save ME. I disgust myself.

I know I've been empty to be filled again. Would you be faithful to fill me, God. These things are draining me. People are draining. Who do I have but You? Why do I always put this hope in people when knowing that they'd never fill me? They too, like me, are human, are despicable, are sinful, are disgusting. I am realizing the extent to which I put my faith in PEOPLE and not YOU. It tires me. Drains me. Why do I aim to please them. and not YOU?

Thank You that You are sovereign. That i can be calm in midst of a storm because I know You will bring me out.

strangers.

Wo shi zhong guo ren. I am Chinese. Thus, I have Chinese parents. Like many Asian first generation immigrants, my parents worked hard to escape the life of hardship; they made everything out of nothing. My parents are doctors. And like many Chinese parents, mine also expect me to excel academically; they’ve worked so that I could live a better life. I am provided with all the tools of success: piano lessons, violin lessons, tennis lessons, SAT books, AP books, etc, etc.

But, in my parent’s overwhelming desire to see me succeed, we have become strangers. The dreams and aspirations that were fed to me at a young age no longer reflect the desires of my heart. I don't want to be a doctor or lawyer. Sure, being a doctor would be a smart choice. If anything, its a reasonable choice; my parents were doctors after all. I would have a foothold in the medical field, they’d be living resources to aid me throughout the competitive years of medical school. Or if not a doctor, than an least a lawyer, or accountant, since these were the careers that brought them out of the yellow dirt of China.

It's a trend. Nothing is enough for them. No success, no accomplishment will satisfy them. They are always searching for more, demanding more, needing more. They are dumbfounded that I want to be a history major. I can see through their superficial support. How can I, a daughter of two doctors, fail at math and science? It doesn't make logical sense. Nor do they want to tell their friends, because my choice seems like an irrational one. And further more, a teacher? I can also see their efforts to support me, but failing. That doesn't pay enough to lead a comfortable life style. I won't live luxuriously, I won't have the benefits I would, had I been a doctor, etc etc etc. While I focus on wanting to be a teacher, they are focused on finding an alternative for me. Psychologist? Physical therapist? Optometrist?

Their mindsets are forever stuck in their dreams, what they think is right. Yesterday, I was in the car with my mom, talking about the future, college, the usual. I told her about how I don't see the point in earning 6 digits a year, and working hours so long that I can't spend time with my family or friends. And how I don't find joy in being a doctor, and that I think teaching is the right choice for me. At the end of this shpeel, my mom turned around and told me, "you're outlook on life is wrong. you're morals are placed in the wrong place. your thinking will make you unsuccessful in life". Earlier, I told her about my plan to take a year off before college. Travel. Become immersed in culture. She shut me down. Told me theres no way, no how. That I have my whole life ahead of me, after college, after I've made myself into something.

Well, mom, my dreams are not your dreams. My outlook is not your outlook. I can't live the life you want for me. I don't want that life. We hardly spend any time together, because out of 12 hours, you are working for 9 of them. You don't know me. and I don't know you. I really don't have the rest of my life. Responsibilities will only add up. I'm sorry that I can't live the life that you've always wanted. But we are not the same. You put your hopes and dreams in being successful, in being comfortable. I don't want to be comfortable. I want to be intelligent. I want to see the world. I don't want to waste my 4 years in college, and pick a career that I'm not passionate about. And live the rest of my life in smugness. Never truly rejoicing. I know that I may never be a doctor like you, but I'm ok with that. I can't fulfill your wants for you. Let me live my life, like how you've lived yours.

Whenever my mom's mad at me, she can't seem to control her words. Phrases like "you're a failure, i regret having you, how can you be my daughter" flow out as easily as she lives and breathes. They hurt, no doubt. But to some extent, it's true. How can I be the daughter of a woman who was number 1 of her grade until she graduated college? How can I be the child of someone who is a doctor? I am their failure. I failed to grow into everything they've aspired for me to become. But. That's OK. I rather not live under their hopes. I might suffocate.

Just So You Know

I don't think I'd ever have the guts to say this to you in person. I'm not accustomed to expressing emotions (besides anger) w/ words. I believe that I'm much more eloquent in writing.

But. This has been on my mind for a really long time. Years even.

I'm not sure if you know this or not, but you are my "person". Like, my go-to person when I have a crappy day, the "vent out everything" person, tell you who I like and who I don't like, voice out my opinions because I know no one else will really care, I'll feel better after I tell you what's on my mind, person. The list actually exceeds that above. I realize that I joke around with you a lot, make fun of you, even (though that is just kind of how our friendship is). But. Throughout the years, I firmly believe that you have become one of my closest friends. I guess the part that bothers me is knowing that maybe, you're not as open and comfortable with me as I am with you. I guess we're not on the same page, huh? I hate cliches. The words "best friend" sound cliche and superficial to me. But. If I had to name a best friend right now. You'd be it. I wish you wouldn't bottle up what you have to say and what you feel. I wish you'd vent out to me when you have to. I wish you wouldn't keep it all in. I wish you wouldn't deal with it by yourself. I am a firm believer of the fact that humans were made to interact. We weren't meant to take on life by ourselves. I wish you wouldn't take on your life, your struggles, your joys, your hurts, by yourself. I know that there are bigger problems in the world than yours, but that doesn't make yours less important. That doesn't mean people aren't willing to listen. I am. I want to. I wish. "Joy shared is joy doubled, burden shared is burden halved" Friendships aren't meant to be one-sided. You're not only here for me to vent to, nor are you only here to listen to my bitterness, etc. I would gladly, really, more than gladly, listen to you, hear you. I'm not annoyed with you. I'm not angry with you. I appreciate you for who you are. Even if you do choose to keep everything in, I'll understand. And, I realize that you don't necessarily want to be this way, to bottle all things in, I think thats why I appreciate you a lot...But know that, even though I rarely show it with words, I really do care for you. Regardless of how much you share, or don't share, I still care. But, I guess we haven't failed completely in the friendship, right? I mean, you get how I work, what makes me tick, and I, to some degree, get you, what you will say, you're expressions, you're hand-motions. It's cuz we're telepathic. And, maybe, I'm completely wrong. Maybe this really is a one-sided friendship. Maybe I really do think of you as too close of a friend as you consider me. In which case, I'd feel foolish, but that's OK.

I'm sorry that I haven't been the best friend to you. I think I get carried away sometimes, thinking that I'm an awesome friend. But. Ha. Funny right? Sorry that I didn't ask more of how you were doing, sorry that I keep venting to you, maybe never giving you a chance to say anything. And. Sorry that you've been having a hard time with life. But...

I look forward to catching up with you again(another 5 hour car talk?) and I'd gladly eat your grilled cheese sandwiches any day (at least until you become EXCELLENT at cooking), and please take my GSC presidency. muahaha.

I'm glad I got all this out. Esp. knowing that you will probably never read this, but...secretly...I wish you would...just saying.

furball

meet the newest addition to my family: simba/mochi (cant decide on the name yet)
hes a furball of love.

Stop it.

One of my worst petpeeves (I would even go as far as to say it IS my worst) is hearing people chew. Only maybe 2 people know this, because i've always felt it to be rude to address it, but seeing as how no one reads this anyway, I can finally let it out. You might not even be someone who chews loudly, but as long as I can hear the food being processed in your mouth, I squirm. Literally. I move around in my seat. I get this feeling in my stomach similar to the one people get on rollercoasters. That stomach dropping feeling. In freshman year, this guy sat behind me and, even though the teacher said strictly no eating in class, he decided to have a feast everyday anyway. and he liked to lean in esp close, so his mouth would be right behind my ear (or so it felt) and i could hear him chew ever molecule of his sandwich/chip/etc. I would be constantly moving in my seat all throughout that class because the sound of his chewing made me want to 1. punch him 2. run away (emphasizes added on #1). I couldnt hear a word the teacher said because i couldn't ignore his chewing. It got so bad that I asked the teacher to move my seat. ha! the other day, while in english, we were doing an in-class timed essay. the class was dead silent. and the girl across from me pulls out a bag of sunchips. and munches away. one can only imagine my misery.

silence.

these past two weeks havent been the greatest. I've really been struggling with loving other people. I think I've just been really tired of always having to take initiative in friendships. People almost expect me to reach out to someone first because they think, since my personality is naturally loud, that i must naturally be outgoing, and thus be able to talk to new people easily. Ha. Little do they know. It's hard to care for people because I dont feel cared for. I feel like I'm always doing all the work in a friendship, asking how they're doing, prayer requests, etc. But. 1. I need to get away from this self-centered "im such a good friend" mindset. and 2. remember that I love people because God called me to, He didnt say anything about other peoples obligation to return the favor. just my obligations to Him and His people. If only reality were as easy as words.

You'll know I love you if I cook for you

Dad's out of town, so I decided to cook dinner tonight. I think the burrito I made tonight could give Chipotle a run for their money (beginners luck? i think not). My wonderful carne asada steak burrito consisted of: Carne Asada steak marinated for 5 hrs, mild tomato and corn salsa, hot tomatillo and jalapeno salsa, guacamole, cheese, sour cream, bastami rice, all wrapped up in a hot steamed tortilla. My pocket of love.

I dont usually do this but...

Gabe Bondoc, will you marry me?

Latenight Venting.

When I first moved to the United States, I had absolutely no toys. None. Zip. Zero. Nada. I was 6. Then my parents took me to Toys R Us. That became my heaven on earth. Here was a gigantic storage lot(if you will) of toys, divided up into little aisles, each toy in its own category. I felt it was humanly impossible to only bring home one toy, when there were so many choices and variety. Choosing between the newest Barbie doll and Lego pack was like choosing between air and water, both are essential for survival. Toys R Us now is nothingness to me. I can't fathom how i was once so enchanted by..well..nothing. The walls are white. The shelfs are dull. Nothing there serves as amusement for me anymore. It's not even that big.

And my elementary school. I remember it to be the biggest playground in the world. with open classrooms, intimidating monkeybars. I felt like I owned the place. Like the queen of a small country. But now, whenever I do visit, I feel huge, and the school seems tiny. My glory days on that basketball court have passed. I feel stupid. The openness that once consumed me is no more. I feel like I am sufficating.

I am tired. So tired. But this too, will pass one day. This frantically preparing for college, this lack of sleep due to homework. This thinking that I must be the most stressed out student in the world. This self consciousness for other peoples acceptance. This need to be trendy, stylish, etc. This will pass. 5 years from now, highschool will become my Toys R Us. It's glory (or turmoil) will have vanished. But I will still remain. and I will be ok.

Give me your heart for humanity

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see

refreshed.

This trip has been humbling. Not in a "i am so grateful for everything i have" type of way. But rather, God has used this trip to show me in the [many] areas i lack. He has been faithful to point out my sins in a gentle way.

i am impatient, prideful, selfish, cynical.

But the kids i teach, they are full of joy, selfless, secure. They look out for one another. They are eager to receive love. They are not doubtful of me. They can overlook my faults. They do not hold my wrongs against me. They're faces light up with laughter.
I seek to delight in the Spirit. I desire to rid my sins. To have the same passion against sin as that of my Savior. To no longer tolerate the little lies. To no longer soak in my own glory.

"Whoever would be indwelt by the Spirit must judge his life for any hidden iniquites. He must expel from his heart everything that is out of accord with the character of God..." [A.W Tozer]

I seek to know my God. I am not contempt with my relationship with Him to be one of praying and asking. I want to know Him more. To know His personality better. Maybe to be friends.

i'll go.

yea i know. i should stop complaining. and yea, i know i need to keep an open mind and just go since i have no other choice. im glad you'd be excited to go. and you're right, i'll probably end up being glad i went, etc etc etc. but for this moment now. i dont want to go. when i'm on the plane, i'll change my mindset, most likely. probably. maybe. i want to be home. i want to be comfortable. i want feel stable. i dont want to experience new things right now. but ok God, i know you never called me to be comfortable. You never promised a life of being in my comfort zone. but seriously God, this time, its all You. i have no expectations for this trip. i cant depend on myself at all this time. but ok. I'll go. if You want me to.