Just So You Know

I don't think I'd ever have the guts to say this to you in person. I'm not accustomed to expressing emotions (besides anger) w/ words. I believe that I'm much more eloquent in writing.

But. This has been on my mind for a really long time. Years even.

I'm not sure if you know this or not, but you are my "person". Like, my go-to person when I have a crappy day, the "vent out everything" person, tell you who I like and who I don't like, voice out my opinions because I know no one else will really care, I'll feel better after I tell you what's on my mind, person. The list actually exceeds that above. I realize that I joke around with you a lot, make fun of you, even (though that is just kind of how our friendship is). But. Throughout the years, I firmly believe that you have become one of my closest friends. I guess the part that bothers me is knowing that maybe, you're not as open and comfortable with me as I am with you. I guess we're not on the same page, huh? I hate cliches. The words "best friend" sound cliche and superficial to me. But. If I had to name a best friend right now. You'd be it. I wish you wouldn't bottle up what you have to say and what you feel. I wish you'd vent out to me when you have to. I wish you wouldn't keep it all in. I wish you wouldn't deal with it by yourself. I am a firm believer of the fact that humans were made to interact. We weren't meant to take on life by ourselves. I wish you wouldn't take on your life, your struggles, your joys, your hurts, by yourself. I know that there are bigger problems in the world than yours, but that doesn't make yours less important. That doesn't mean people aren't willing to listen. I am. I want to. I wish. "Joy shared is joy doubled, burden shared is burden halved" Friendships aren't meant to be one-sided. You're not only here for me to vent to, nor are you only here to listen to my bitterness, etc. I would gladly, really, more than gladly, listen to you, hear you. I'm not annoyed with you. I'm not angry with you. I appreciate you for who you are. Even if you do choose to keep everything in, I'll understand. And, I realize that you don't necessarily want to be this way, to bottle all things in, I think thats why I appreciate you a lot...But know that, even though I rarely show it with words, I really do care for you. Regardless of how much you share, or don't share, I still care. But, I guess we haven't failed completely in the friendship, right? I mean, you get how I work, what makes me tick, and I, to some degree, get you, what you will say, you're expressions, you're hand-motions. It's cuz we're telepathic. And, maybe, I'm completely wrong. Maybe this really is a one-sided friendship. Maybe I really do think of you as too close of a friend as you consider me. In which case, I'd feel foolish, but that's OK.

I'm sorry that I haven't been the best friend to you. I think I get carried away sometimes, thinking that I'm an awesome friend. But. Ha. Funny right? Sorry that I didn't ask more of how you were doing, sorry that I keep venting to you, maybe never giving you a chance to say anything. And. Sorry that you've been having a hard time with life. But...

I look forward to catching up with you again(another 5 hour car talk?) and I'd gladly eat your grilled cheese sandwiches any day (at least until you become EXCELLENT at cooking), and please take my GSC presidency. muahaha.

I'm glad I got all this out. Esp. knowing that you will probably never read this, but...secretly...I wish you would...just saying.

furball

meet the newest addition to my family: simba/mochi (cant decide on the name yet)
hes a furball of love.

Stop it.

One of my worst petpeeves (I would even go as far as to say it IS my worst) is hearing people chew. Only maybe 2 people know this, because i've always felt it to be rude to address it, but seeing as how no one reads this anyway, I can finally let it out. You might not even be someone who chews loudly, but as long as I can hear the food being processed in your mouth, I squirm. Literally. I move around in my seat. I get this feeling in my stomach similar to the one people get on rollercoasters. That stomach dropping feeling. In freshman year, this guy sat behind me and, even though the teacher said strictly no eating in class, he decided to have a feast everyday anyway. and he liked to lean in esp close, so his mouth would be right behind my ear (or so it felt) and i could hear him chew ever molecule of his sandwich/chip/etc. I would be constantly moving in my seat all throughout that class because the sound of his chewing made me want to 1. punch him 2. run away (emphasizes added on #1). I couldnt hear a word the teacher said because i couldn't ignore his chewing. It got so bad that I asked the teacher to move my seat. ha! the other day, while in english, we were doing an in-class timed essay. the class was dead silent. and the girl across from me pulls out a bag of sunchips. and munches away. one can only imagine my misery.

silence.

these past two weeks havent been the greatest. I've really been struggling with loving other people. I think I've just been really tired of always having to take initiative in friendships. People almost expect me to reach out to someone first because they think, since my personality is naturally loud, that i must naturally be outgoing, and thus be able to talk to new people easily. Ha. Little do they know. It's hard to care for people because I dont feel cared for. I feel like I'm always doing all the work in a friendship, asking how they're doing, prayer requests, etc. But. 1. I need to get away from this self-centered "im such a good friend" mindset. and 2. remember that I love people because God called me to, He didnt say anything about other peoples obligation to return the favor. just my obligations to Him and His people. If only reality were as easy as words.

You'll know I love you if I cook for you

Dad's out of town, so I decided to cook dinner tonight. I think the burrito I made tonight could give Chipotle a run for their money (beginners luck? i think not). My wonderful carne asada steak burrito consisted of: Carne Asada steak marinated for 5 hrs, mild tomato and corn salsa, hot tomatillo and jalapeno salsa, guacamole, cheese, sour cream, bastami rice, all wrapped up in a hot steamed tortilla. My pocket of love.

I dont usually do this but...

Gabe Bondoc, will you marry me?

Latenight Venting.

When I first moved to the United States, I had absolutely no toys. None. Zip. Zero. Nada. I was 6. Then my parents took me to Toys R Us. That became my heaven on earth. Here was a gigantic storage lot(if you will) of toys, divided up into little aisles, each toy in its own category. I felt it was humanly impossible to only bring home one toy, when there were so many choices and variety. Choosing between the newest Barbie doll and Lego pack was like choosing between air and water, both are essential for survival. Toys R Us now is nothingness to me. I can't fathom how i was once so enchanted by..well..nothing. The walls are white. The shelfs are dull. Nothing there serves as amusement for me anymore. It's not even that big.

And my elementary school. I remember it to be the biggest playground in the world. with open classrooms, intimidating monkeybars. I felt like I owned the place. Like the queen of a small country. But now, whenever I do visit, I feel huge, and the school seems tiny. My glory days on that basketball court have passed. I feel stupid. The openness that once consumed me is no more. I feel like I am sufficating.

I am tired. So tired. But this too, will pass one day. This frantically preparing for college, this lack of sleep due to homework. This thinking that I must be the most stressed out student in the world. This self consciousness for other peoples acceptance. This need to be trendy, stylish, etc. This will pass. 5 years from now, highschool will become my Toys R Us. It's glory (or turmoil) will have vanished. But I will still remain. and I will be ok.

Give me your heart for humanity

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see