On Making Lists...

-Age 4: Mom takes me to live w/ grandparents in China while parents worked/studied in the U.S.

-Age 5: Living with uncle/aunt/cousin/grandparents in China. My cousin demanded the Barbie with the longer hair; I had to settle for the one with the short hair.

-Age 6: Mom comes to visit, brings HUGE Lego doll house, cousin is jealous.

-Comes back to the U.S, living in Pennsylvania.

-Had a bowl-cut; parent asks mom on the playground if I was a boy or girl.

-Didn't know how to say "bathroom" in English, made motions and gestures instead.

-First time to church

-Age 7: Cross country drive to California, got an Angelica from the Rugrats shirt at K-Mart. I still have it.

-Age 8: 2nd grade at Fairburn Elementary School. Massive crush on boy named Trenton. He asked me to marry him after I pitched a perfect game in kickball. I said yes. I later ditched him for Zach.

-Dad decides I'm going to become a Pingpong star when I grow up.

-Starts 3rd grade at Clover Elementary School. First time to Culver Palms Church of Christ.

-4th grade: Cracks up during school play, becomes the infamous "Giggle Serra"

-Kaie Yabushita professes his love for me by giving me a baby hamster, its cage furnished with a pumpkin bed. I named it Chloe.

-5th grade: Aaron Carter phase.

-Baptized at CPCC, didn't like the taste of crackers during Communion. Grandma slapped me for disrespecting God.

-6th grade: Orchestra teacher tells class to write "I will not talk in class" 300 times on paper, I was the only one stupid enough to do it.

-7th grade: Thought I was hardcore and decided to roller skate from home to swim practice in Westwood, a 4 mile trip. Died half way through, took the bus the rest of the way.

-8th grade: Moved to Rancho Palos Verdes, absolutely despised it.

-First time to SBECC.

-9th grade: Best friends with Ryan Ito o.O

-SG with Kelly, Alicia, Cher, Brandea

-10th grade: EHAP kicks off what turns out to be a struggle-filled year.

-11th grade: Won Coachella Tickets on the 98.7 FM, first time on the freeway with Heather.

-12th grade: No longer bound by the struggles.

Conclusion after 18 years:

I am still very young.

very immature.

very naive.

God proves to be sovereign.

And so begins..

...March:

the month of acceptances, rejections, anxieties, thanksgivings, disappointments, glimpses of the future, adulthood (but only by number).

I am antsy.

Unfathomable Truths.

In the Old Testament, there was a veil in the temple separating the Holy from the Most Holy Place; God dwells in the Most High Place. Only the high priest was allowed to enter the Most Holy Place, and even then, he was required to wear a veil over his face for if he caught sight of God, he would be struck dead.

This God, He is so holy that men were not worthy to even catch a glimpse of Him. Think about it. I mean, REALLY think about it. In front of someone highly respected, most people find the need to bow or stay quiet in reverence. But how many respected people do you know tell you that you're not worthy of even looking at them? Can you imagine knowing someone so awesome, so above you, that a peek will cause you to die? The thought of it blows my mind. This God must really be HUGE if even a glimpse will result in death.

When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, He asked God if the cup could be removed from Him. The cup He refers to is the wrath of God. Can you imagine the wrath of this God? This God that is so Holy that eyes could not even be laid on Him without it resulting in death, His wrath must have been SOOOOOOO BAD. Can you imagine making Him mad? This is a God that is angered by sin, that is jealous for justice and righteousness. I would rather die by being struck down for seeing Him, than have to suffer His wrath. That would be beyond brutal. And not only that, God hates the sin in one person. Though I've never killed anyone, my sin qualifies me for the burning pits of hell. But this cup, this wrath, it's not just for one person, it was supposed to spill over all of humanity. Not just for one person's deserving of hell, but for everyone. Ouch, to say the least.

It says in the Bible that Jesus was in agony at Gethsemane, "his sweat became like great drops of blood". No wonder Jesus felt abandoned. To have to suffer the intense wrath of His Father when He's done nothing wrong at all; His Father, the one who strikes dead those who look at Him, the one that punishes harshly those who sin even in the slightest ways, it just doesn't seem fair. But this could have only meant one thing: Jesus must have loved His Father SOOOOO much. This is not the type of love that I can easily understand. He must have had to love His Father with such a perfect kind of love to be able to love the people His Father loved, to be able to willingly submit to experiencing the abandonment and separation He did as He hung on the Cross.

"As we watch Jesus pray in agony in Gathsemane, He has every right to turn His tearful eyes toward you and me and shout, "This is your cup. You're responsible for this. It's your sin! You drink it." This cup should rightfully be thrust into my hand and yours."

-CJ Maheney

Thanks, Jesus, for trading our cup of wrath for one of salvation.

Isn't the Gospel refreshing? :)

Scattered Thoughts.

2 very different things on my mind right now:

1. "Ungodliness may be defined as living one's everyday life with little or no thought of God, or of God's will, or of God's glory, or of one's dependence on God...our goal in the pursuit of godliness should be to grow more in our conscious awareness that every moment of our lives is lived in the presence of God; that we are responsible to Him and dependent on Him. This goal would include a growing desire to please Him and glorify Him in the most ordinary activities of life."

-Respectable Sins, by Jerry Bridges

Currently reading Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges. The first sin he introduced was ungodliness. Reflecting upon the chapter, I was quite discouraged by how short I fell. So this week, as I journeyed onto being more mindful of God throughout my day, I noticed how little I included Him in my decisions, in my words, in my thoughts, in my actions. But rather to have me dwell in my own shortcomings, God was good to show me how good it is when I DO include Him. There is hope in His grace that He provides me when I so easily forget Him in all the doings of my week! This week, as anxious as I may have been, was a blessed week. Yea, it was busy, and yea, I was scared for my future but it was a blessed week because it was a God-filled week. The next chapter is on Anxiety and Frustration. I'm excited.

2. Today, saw a friend change her profile picture to that of her small group 4 years ago. It got me to thinking about how we've all grown up and are becoming our own person. 4 years ago, when small group first started, I was a completely different person, as were my sg girls. But now, we've grown up, matured some, learned some. It's interesting to see how God's worked in each of our lives throughout these 4 years. I think, it's helped me to see how differently God works, how distinct He is with each little detail in our lives. While reflecting, it's also made me see how different His timing is for each person's life. God grew/is growing me and my sg girls at different times. I think, sometimes I get discouraged when I see my friends straying or putting God aside. But then I am reminded of how perfect God's plan and timing is. I used to not want to grow up. But now I'm really excited to see God's timing revealed in my life.

*Side note: I love how God created us to be little pieces of Jesus to one another.

This entry is so scattered. That's alright.

Turbulence Ahead.

"Ladies and Gentleman, we are currently experiencing some turbulence. Please return to your seats and keep your seatbelts fastened until the seatbelt sign is off."

Whenever the flight attendant announces that on the overhead, I always go into a momentary state of minor panic, especially when the ride starts to get bumpy. Even after numerous flights to different places, my reaction remains the same. But the assurance that things will be OK seem to increase a little bit more after every flight.

The picture above brings me peace. The plane isn't far off from the clouds, and the captain must know that he is about to experience turbulence, fog, etc. But what comforts me is the fact that the plane doesn't speed up when it approaches the clouds, it doesn't try to get through it faster. No, the speed of the plane remains the same, it approaches it with the same calmness it did everything else. The shaking and bumping isn't caused by the plane, it's caused by the wind and air masses, so while outside forces shake the plane, the plane itself remains calm, going at the same speed as always, just with a little more caution. It's almost like it's sure that it'll make it to the other side, it "begins with the end in mind."

Just like the plane, God began with the end in mind when He created me. He saw past the grey clouds in my life. While I worry about finals, He already sees where I'm going to end up in life.

So this week, I will attempt to be that plane, the one that's faithful to stand strong during turbulence, the one that doesn't try to rush through cloudy times, the one that has assurance and hope of the sun waiting in the other side.

"All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be"

Psalm 139:16

Glad.

Currently reading the book of John.

The past month has been crazy with planning Crescendo, picking up grades, teachers cramming in last minute tests, and Christmas shopping. I realized that this school year, I seem to always be rushing, maybe because there are so many things to do, maybe because I'm too anxious. In midst of this mess, I've been telling God that He felt far away. But of course, how can He NOT feel far away when I seem to be dabbing at everything except my quiet times? I seem to be doing everything but spending time with Him.

That's why I'm rereading John. I need to be reminded of Jesus again through the Gospel. Can't just keep doing everything that I think will please God, without taking the time to actually think about who it is I'm working for.

So far, John's been a blessing. I get to marvel at the works of Jesus, and the subtle ways that He works.

"The friend of the bridesgroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. There for this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:29-30

Though John is talking about Jesus in that verse, it still reminds me so much of sacrificial love for others and serving in church. The past 2 weeks, God has really been teaching me over and over again the need to be made weak so that He can be glorified, and the need to truly love others before myself. Both are lessons I've learned before, but to really consistently do them seem impossible without God's subtle reminders.

I'm very thankful for 2009. Glad for all the blessings and growth, as well as the struggles and tears.

Current list of goals for 2010:

-finish Desiring God.

-finish the Relationship Series by Rick Holland (3 more sermons to go)

(more to come)

clearly a blur.

Crescendo was on Saturday.

Reflecting on the event after, I honestly tell you that I don't remember much of the actual night. Feels like I was out of my body when everything happened. But for the parts I do remember, I have come to a conclusion.

I mainly remember the set up. Waking up with butterflies, thinking that this is what I've worked for all year, feeling shaky about the turn out, patting myself on the back for getting TNB and Clara Chung, etc. Setting up, everything that could go wrong, went wrong. A performer went AWOL, the lights that should have taken an hour to set up went way overtime, we were behind on schedule, the video was no where to be found, carpets weren't set up, worship band was starting late, it was raining like crazy, then, the power went out, twice. The first time, it caught me by surprise, i didn't know what was going on. But it came back on before I had time to panic. The second time, I naturally had expectations for it to turn out like the first one. Regardless, we gathered outside to pray. After awhile, it seemed pretty obvious that the power wasn't coming back on anytime soon. I began to panic. I felt defeated. Done. My pride was hurting, if I had any left. I failed. I battled between looking calm and releasing my true emotions. I had a team to carry through, I couldn't be the first one to break down. They trusted in God. What about me?As people searched for the fuse box, I stepped outside. The hugs from other people aimed to comfort me did nothing. I didn't want sympathy. Standing outside, I felt the tears starting to accumulate. The power came back on before they ever came out.

I don't really remember any of the performances. I can recall only TNB's. Everything else is a blur. But that's ok. As I was journaling tonight, I realized that perhaps God never allowed me to remember those things. Sure, i was there, i should be able to remember. But i don't. Instead, I remember how God saved me when I was defeated. How He took care of things before I broke down completely. How He is faithful to provide for me even when I have been unfaithful to Him. How He has grace for me even when I have been sinning against Him, ignoring Him, denying Him, questioning Him. He allows me to have peace when I have been leading with the wrong mindset. He is faithful when I am not.

I realize that, knowing me, had I remembered the actual event, I would've taken the glory in for myself. People have told me it was well organized, a good turnout, big bands. I can't recall the turn out, but I know that if I did, the glory would've been my own, not God's. Had I recalled the peoples cheers, they would've filled me up, not God.

I'm grateful that I can only remember the parts of the day where only God was glorified, and I was made into nothing. And that I can only recall when nothing was in my control, and I had no choice but to let go and let God.

Dear God,

Thank you for Truth that stands when my rationality fails. Thank You for mercy that prevails when I sin. Thank You for loving and saving me when I least deserve it.

In Jesus Name,

Amen.