Reminder to Self:

Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
1 Peter 3:4.


time to get to work. 

"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts."  Elizabeth Elliot


"Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone accept, His Lordship. The Cross, as it enters the love life, will reveal the heart's truth." Elizabeth Elliot


Hebrews 10:36 - You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God you will receive what He has promised. 


Romans 12:12 - Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 


Psalm 27:14 - Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. 


1 Chronicles 16:11 - Look to the Lord and His strength, seek His face always. 

April showers bring May flowers.

Today, I received in the mail a letter I wrote to myself in the summer at Freshman Orientation back in June. Here's what I wrote:

June 17,2010

Dear Tanya,

They are making me write a letter for you to read at the end of freshman year.

(write about how you feel right now)

Right now, I am very tired. We've been walking around all day and playing games, this feels a lot like summer camp. It's so weird to me that I am at orientation to start college. COLLEGE. I feel like a sophomore in high school still, I don't feel ready for this. Maybe that's why I'm not super excited. Being here all day, it's kind of all been a dream, it feels surreal. It hasn't hit me yet.

(Write about one funny thing that happened today)

When I first got here this morning, I overheard an O'Leader say, "This year's batch isn't as good looking as last year's batch." Sucks for us. Apparently, LMU is known for it's vast number of great looking white boys.

(write about your fears and hopes)

Fears: I'm scared that I will be outside of my comfort zone. So far in orientation, I've counted a total of 4 Asians, including myself. NOT that I'm racist, but it'll be new not having a group of friends made up of 99% Asians. But then again, I could become a social butterfly and make a bunch of friends, and not do any school work (which is another fear). I'm also scared that I will start to wither spiritually. I hope I don't get so busy and preoccupied that I put God second.

Hopes: I hope I will take ownership of my faith. I hope I'll have a cool roommate and we'll be able to get along, or at least, live together. I hope I will meet cool people. I hope I'll be driven to do well in school. I hope to serve more at church.

(Lastly, write about your goals)

Goals:

-DO NOT GAIN THE FRESHMAN 15. LOSE WEIGHT INSTEAD. I'M SERIOUS.

-Freshman year = no boyfriend...maybe.

-Sophomore year = find one of those cute boys they talked about. just kidding. seriously. don't do it.

-Mature in faith, memorize more Scripture. PRIORITIZE GOD.

-Don't slack off in school work.

-Get involved, meet new people, be open to change.

So, I guess, as you're reading this, freshman year is about to be over. What did you think? Did you complete those goals? Are you ready for sophomore year? Are you closer to God? I hope you feel better than I do right now.

Bye,

Tanya.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As I read this today, the first thing I thought to myself was: That was 10 months ago?? Feels like an eternity ago. I barely even remember writing it.

The second thing I thought was: So much for that cool roommate.

The third thing was: ...Where were those good looking boys...?

But in all seriousness, I've been reflecting on this past year recently, and this letter came in perfect timing. I think, it really solidifies for me God's faithfulness and sovereignty all throughout this year. There's been a lot of ups and downs but looking back, I can see God's hand arranging every detail. I don't think I expected a lot of things that happened this year. But all of it has been so good. I feel like, God has been so close to me this year. And I don't think I've ever seen God so actively working in my life. Nor have I been so humbled at the abundance of blessings He lays on me, none of which I deserve. This year, I learned the power of fervent prayer. My morning prayer time is probably my favorite time of the day. And it's through that time that I see that He listens to my every word. He is so good for knowing every single detail of my life. I have no need to worry.

This year, there's been a lot of needing to be patient. A lot of needing to trust God and wait. But mainly, a lot of rejoicing at the work that He's doing. And a lot of hope for what's to come.

hey you.

you're cooler than the flip side of my pillow.

thats right.

too much talent in one room.

Philemon: dude

i can

spell any of the original 150 pokemon

me: ...

Philemon: just ask me which one

and i'll spell it

Dear Class,

I need you more than I can even comprehend. I don't see a bright future without you. But you've been so needy lately, always making me do this and that. Do we really need to keep meeting like this? At 8am? I'm just not happy anymore. Please get your act together. We've still got a long road ahead of us.

Love,

Tanya

Not even a penny.

Yesterday was Baby Samuel's celebration service. The service was beautifully structured around giving glory to God for all that He's done through Samuel's life. As I sat there...I couldn't help but think about Hosea.

I've been reading Hosea again for my quiet times, and my goodness, he was quite a man! You really only hear about Hosea's life in the first few chapters of the book. From it, we find out that he was an obedient man who listened when God told him to marry a prostitute. He goes after his unfaithful wife over and over again as her wandering heart leaves him. It's so amazing to me the way God uses Hosea to demonstrate His love and mercy towards Israel. But even more so, I'm amazed by Hosea's understanding of the little value his life has. In this present age, we're told to "save" ourselves for the right person to marry. You don't want to give your heart away to just anyone...and certainly not to a prostitute. We learn to guard our hearts, not to give ourselves away too easily, and to find a godly spouse. We do it because we think we're of some sort of worth, that we ought to cherish ourselves and our lives, don't we? And yet...the fact that we even have BREATH is because God is gracious and full of mercy. We are worthless creatures trying to establish meaning in a temporary world. Hosea must have had such a firm grasp on the fact that his life was completely worthless if not used to bring glory to the One who gives him undeserved life. In reckless abandonment, he lets God use him in whichever way He pleased. Hosea knew his life was not his own...that his sole purpose was to bring God glory. He obediently marries a prostitute to illustrate God's love and mercy towards Israel. If Hosea was alive today, people might look at his marriage and feel sorry for him. They might look down on him for having married an outcast, feel bad that he has to chase after an unfaithful wife, think he's foolish to stay with her. But...when I see Hosea, I see a man who's lived a full life.

Is it possible that the world sees Samuel and feels sad that his life was so short lived? Yes. But if the fullness of life was measured by how we used it for God, then I am so convicted that Samuel lived a fuller life in his 19 days on this earth than I have in these past 18 years. He's told more people about Jesus in these 19 days then I have in my 6866-something days. God worked because Samuel was willing. The possibilities are scary if we lived fully convinced that we are just a vessel in God's great work. Imagine the glory He would receive if we were willing like Hosea and Samuel. I'm so humbled to have known Samuel's story. It's made me reexamine my life and my heart for God. Thank You, Father, for using this infant to remind me of Your goodness.

Now Approaching:

Finals week.

Please go easy on me.

When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

Elaine Goodfriend #2

OT class has proved to be both interesting and challenging.

Professor Goodfriend is sooo knowledgeable in the Word. It's so insane how she knows exactly where to go in the OT for any question you throw at her. The other day, I raised my hand and asked a question regarding adultery. Without any hesitance, her immediate reply was, "OK, lets go look in Leviticus 18:20, and 2:10. And also Deuteronomy 22." While I realize that she's probably read the Old Testament 500 bazillion times, I still admire her familiarity of the Bible.

However, I can't help me think about how hopeless her life is. Whenever Professor Goodfriend talks about Christianity (she is a devout Jew), she seems to have this bitter, cynical tone. She comments on Jesus as if Christians are stupid to believe that He is the real Messiah. As she lectures and goes on and on about the OT, I start to feel sad for her. Here is a woman with exceptional knowledge of the Bible, who follows every tradition of the Jewish faith, and lives her life according to the laws of the Old Testament....Here is a woman who proudly states to her class that she won't bathe during Yom Kippur to observe the laws of old...Here is a woman who is still waiting for her Savior. A lot of times in class, I think to myself, "Man...if she only knew the Truth, if she only knew Jesus...she could do such great things with her knowledge of the Bible. Her life could be so filled."

I can't imagine what it would be like to live life hoping daily for a Messiah to come. I can't imagine living life without the Holy Spirit. Being in that class reminds me of the hope we have in Jesus, of how blessed we are to have something to live for, of God's goodness to provide for us. It helps me to get just a tiny grasp on this unfathomable gift that God has given to us in His son.

What is knowing the Bible by heart, if I don't have Jesus?

Mochi

Every weekend when I go home, I'll spend some time playing with my dog. When I approach him, he gets super excited. He'll start jumping enthusiastically on his hind legs, beckoning me to sit and play with him. As soon as I sit on the floor with my legs crossed, Mochi, without fail, will go frantically looking for his favorite blue chew toy. When he's found it, he'll literally jump into my lap and start chewing away at his toy. He'll spread out his long body, and I can feel him relax all his muscles; he looks so content. I can tell that he loves sitting in my lap and playing. And you know what? I love just sitting there with him, doing nothing.

On Saturday, when I was doing exactly that, I realized something. It takes me a week of being occupied with school and all the other things in my life to be able to sit down for 15 minutes to play with the dog. Some weeks, that's how it is w/ God. It'll take me getting all the things I need to get done out of the way before I sit down and spend time with God. But here's the humbling part: Whether it be at the end of the day or at the end of the week, God is still the same. He doesn't turn and give me the cold shoulder, but rather He embraces me warmly.

And then there are lessons I could learn from Mochi. Take his enthusiasm for one. I ought to be like Mochi, jumping in excitement to spend time with my Lord. I should be at His feet, jumping wildly saying, "Look Father, here I am. I want to sit Your lap."

These things are elementary, aren't they? Things we all know so well in our heads, and yet in the busy-ness of life, forget so easily.

(P.S: I can't believe I practically compared God to my dog...forgive me Father. )

Dude?

There are two guys at my church, Rich and Trevor. They are especially expressive. When they get excited about something, you can see it alllll over their faces. They'll open their eyes real wide and go, "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE."

This is weird but, I can't think of any better way to describe how I feel about God and the things He's doing in my life right now. There is not even one thing better than the other. Just sitting and dwelling on God's goodness to me makes me go...

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE.

Arithmetic

I've been staring at the sky tonight

Marvelling and passing time

Wondering what to do with daylight

Until I can make you mine

You are the one I want, you are the one I want

...

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want

Elaine Goodfriend

Yesterday was my first day in my OT Survey class at LMU.

The class is taught by a cute Jewish professor named Elaine Goodfriend. When she starts to talk about the Old Testament, you can see passion and excitement ooze out of her.

The only required textbook for the class is, of course, the Bible.

Something that Professor Goodfriend said really caught my attention:

"You will be marked absent if you don't have your Bible with you."

To me, it's almost as if she said, "If you don't have your Bible with you then your presence is worthless". It's amazing how, our identity is really found in Christ. Without Him, without the Word, our presence on this earth really IS worthless. We don't count for anything in anyone's roll book.

That's all.

God and Marriage.

In Israeli culture, a canopy represented God's presence and blessings. They would create canopies using pieces of linen tied to 4 posts, and called them Hoopas. The hoopa was traditionally used during marriage ceremonies.

Two families would arrange for their children to be married. The man would offer the woman a cup; if she accepts the cup, then she has agreed to marry him. The man would then say to her, “I will go to prepare a place for you”, and he’d return to his father’s house to add on a room for his future bride. Only the father of the groom knew the exact time when the groom could go get his wife. Until the father gave his approval, the groom was to continue building the room. Meanwhile, the bride-to-be would prepare for marriage by having a candle in her window. She was to ensure that the candle was never blown out until her groom came for her; the candle represented her readiness to receive the groom. When the groom’s father was satisfied with the room, he’d give the groom his approval to leave and claim his bride. The groom would then gather all his friends together, and they’d go through the streets of that village singing and dancing until they found the candle at the bride’s window. As she heard them coming, she would get dressed and ready. The bride and groom and all their friends would then have a party from 3 to 7 days. They would exchange vows in front of the community, but the marriage would only be legitimate after consummating. So the groom would take his bride into the bridal shower, and in there was a canopy. The canopy represented God’s blessing, presence, and affirmation of their oneness and unity. To the Jews, there wasn’t a religious part of life and a nonreligious part of life, it was just life with God in His presence. So literally hanging over the bridal chamber was a hoopa, affirming their oneness in unity, and that God was a central feature in their union. After consummation, the friend of the groom would announce to everyone that they had been married and they would party, feast, and dance for 7 days. Throughout this time, the friends of the groom would hold a canopy over them.

What a blessing it is that we have a God who would use tangible illustrations to demonstrate and explain His love for us. He is my groom, and a candle shines in my window for Him.

Note To Self

Summer Musts:

Outdoor Cinema/Foodfest: http://www.outdoorcinemafoodfest.com/

Greek Festival: http://sbgreekfestival.com/index.html

Venice Beach Summer Fest: http://www.yelp.com/events/los-angeles-summer-fest-in-venice-beach

Craft Fair: http://www.renegadecraft.com/los-angeles

Tug of War

The verdict is LMU.

I confess that this was not an easy decision at all, but one that forced me to result to: making bar graphs, making pie charts, and then drawing slips out of a hat.

My reasons for choosing LMU are as follows:

In September, when I was still compiling my list of colleges to apply to, I made a decision to commit to serving at SBECC. At the time, I felt very strongly about my commitment, and prayed that if this was the direction that God was leading, that He would open doors for me. And so with that in mind, I applied to the most of the schools in Socal and Boston College/University for my out of states. The waiting period was filled with a lot of doubt and uncertainty; I felt looked down upon by people when I shared about my decision, it seemed as if they thought I was limiting myself and my future, like they were all going off to far places, and I was just...here; all in all, I felt very judged. I felt as if my commitment was wrong. When decisions came back, my ideal doors were not opened up to me. But the question I asked myself was, "Does not having those ideal doors opened change my decision to serve at SBECC? Should it make a difference?" Because my parents preferred that I went to a private school instead of a UC, the choices became Boston College, LMU, and Biola, this is where the struggles really began.

I was attracted to BC for its rank. I didn't want to be judged, I wanted to show people that I wasn't limiting myself. LMU and Biola were options because they were close to SBECC, but I really had no confidence in going to either. The sermon this past Sunday made a huge impact on my decision. One of his main points in his sermon on the Parable of the Talents was that the third servant made decisions selfishly, thus proving to be a hypocrite. He talked also about how God cares only if we are faithful to Him. His point about the servant acting selfishly really made me think about how if I chose BC, it'd be because I felt like I deserved it, and my own accomplishments brought me there. I'd go with confidence in my own abilities, and what I think is best for my future. I would be like the 3rd servant: a hypocrite. Furthermore, I had already made a commitment to serve at SBECC, going to BC just for it's name would be the betrayal of that commitment. If I chose BC, it wouldn't be out of faithfulness to God.

The choice between LMU and Biola was harder than I thought it would be. After my visit to Biola, I was so set on not going there. I felt very trapped and in a bubble there. But after researching LMU, not one website told me that LMU wasn't a superficial party school. The thoughts of not fitting in, not having friends scared me like crazy. On the outside, I might say that Biola was a great option because it offered me more resources for biblical instruction and spiritual growth, but deep down, I knew I wanted Biola because I'd be comfortable there. Even if I felt trapped, I'd rather be there where everyone else was exactly like me, then be at LMU where no one is like me. Again I stumbled on my own selfishness and insecurities. I didn't want to choose a school based on comfort or my own abilities, I wanted to be faithful knowing that God will provide for me even if I felt like the resources were scarce...and so, I ended up with LMU. It's a choice that allowed me to be faithful to the commitment I made earlier to serve at SBECC. I'm not sure if this is the right decision or not, or if I'll regret it or not, but I do know that there are many ways for God to work in the time that I'll be at LMU.

On Making Lists...

-Age 4: Mom takes me to live w/ grandparents in China while parents worked/studied in the U.S.

-Age 5: Living with uncle/aunt/cousin/grandparents in China. My cousin demanded the Barbie with the longer hair; I had to settle for the one with the short hair.

-Age 6: Mom comes to visit, brings HUGE Lego doll house, cousin is jealous.

-Comes back to the U.S, living in Pennsylvania.

-Had a bowl-cut; parent asks mom on the playground if I was a boy or girl.

-Didn't know how to say "bathroom" in English, made motions and gestures instead.

-First time to church

-Age 7: Cross country drive to California, got an Angelica from the Rugrats shirt at K-Mart. I still have it.

-Age 8: 2nd grade at Fairburn Elementary School. Massive crush on boy named Trenton. He asked me to marry him after I pitched a perfect game in kickball. I said yes. I later ditched him for Zach.

-Dad decides I'm going to become a Pingpong star when I grow up.

-Starts 3rd grade at Clover Elementary School. First time to Culver Palms Church of Christ.

-4th grade: Cracks up during school play, becomes the infamous "Giggle Serra"

-Kaie Yabushita professes his love for me by giving me a baby hamster, its cage furnished with a pumpkin bed. I named it Chloe.

-5th grade: Aaron Carter phase.

-Baptized at CPCC, didn't like the taste of crackers during Communion. Grandma slapped me for disrespecting God.

-6th grade: Orchestra teacher tells class to write "I will not talk in class" 300 times on paper, I was the only one stupid enough to do it.

-7th grade: Thought I was hardcore and decided to roller skate from home to swim practice in Westwood, a 4 mile trip. Died half way through, took the bus the rest of the way.

-8th grade: Moved to Rancho Palos Verdes, absolutely despised it.

-First time to SBECC.

-9th grade: Best friends with Ryan Ito o.O

-SG with Kelly, Alicia, Cher, Brandea

-10th grade: EHAP kicks off what turns out to be a struggle-filled year.

-11th grade: Won Coachella Tickets on the 98.7 FM, first time on the freeway with Heather.

-12th grade: No longer bound by the struggles.

Conclusion after 18 years:

I am still very young.

very immature.

very naive.

God proves to be sovereign.

And so begins..

...March:

the month of acceptances, rejections, anxieties, thanksgivings, disappointments, glimpses of the future, adulthood (but only by number).

I am antsy.

Unfathomable Truths.

In the Old Testament, there was a veil in the temple separating the Holy from the Most Holy Place; God dwells in the Most High Place. Only the high priest was allowed to enter the Most Holy Place, and even then, he was required to wear a veil over his face for if he caught sight of God, he would be struck dead.

This God, He is so holy that men were not worthy to even catch a glimpse of Him. Think about it. I mean, REALLY think about it. In front of someone highly respected, most people find the need to bow or stay quiet in reverence. But how many respected people do you know tell you that you're not worthy of even looking at them? Can you imagine knowing someone so awesome, so above you, that a peek will cause you to die? The thought of it blows my mind. This God must really be HUGE if even a glimpse will result in death.

When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, He asked God if the cup could be removed from Him. The cup He refers to is the wrath of God. Can you imagine the wrath of this God? This God that is so Holy that eyes could not even be laid on Him without it resulting in death, His wrath must have been SOOOOOOO BAD. Can you imagine making Him mad? This is a God that is angered by sin, that is jealous for justice and righteousness. I would rather die by being struck down for seeing Him, than have to suffer His wrath. That would be beyond brutal. And not only that, God hates the sin in one person. Though I've never killed anyone, my sin qualifies me for the burning pits of hell. But this cup, this wrath, it's not just for one person, it was supposed to spill over all of humanity. Not just for one person's deserving of hell, but for everyone. Ouch, to say the least.

It says in the Bible that Jesus was in agony at Gethsemane, "his sweat became like great drops of blood". No wonder Jesus felt abandoned. To have to suffer the intense wrath of His Father when He's done nothing wrong at all; His Father, the one who strikes dead those who look at Him, the one that punishes harshly those who sin even in the slightest ways, it just doesn't seem fair. But this could have only meant one thing: Jesus must have loved His Father SOOOOO much. This is not the type of love that I can easily understand. He must have had to love His Father with such a perfect kind of love to be able to love the people His Father loved, to be able to willingly submit to experiencing the abandonment and separation He did as He hung on the Cross.

"As we watch Jesus pray in agony in Gathsemane, He has every right to turn His tearful eyes toward you and me and shout, "This is your cup. You're responsible for this. It's your sin! You drink it." This cup should rightfully be thrust into my hand and yours."

-CJ Maheney

Thanks, Jesus, for trading our cup of wrath for one of salvation.

Isn't the Gospel refreshing? :)