hello old friend.

I forgot

how much I love playing my guitar

until this week

when i picked it up again.

and pressed again on the fret board,

and remembered how much

i love strumming and singing,

and getting lost in the chords.

Forgot how much it joy it brought me,

how my troubles faded..

how it helped me to breathe. for just one second.

Empty.

Father,

I know that You are faithful. You will provide. Yet why do i worry? When will my head knowledge turn into heart knowledge? Where is my faith? I've become easily swayed by the things of this world. In need of another reminder that these are not the things that bring everlasting joy, only temporary. Need to again know that I am but a visitor here, my home rests with You. So easily I lose sight of You. So easily I forget of the times You've kept Your promise, always bringing me out of struggles, stronger. Seems like every new struggle is something different, something hopeless. You never said that we will be comfortable following You. Never said it'd be easy. Father, it is not I who leads but You. I'm sorry that I've been robbing You of Your glory, of the praise that You deserve. Thank You that You are loving. That You'd sacrifice to save ME. I disgust myself.

I know I've been empty to be filled again. Would you be faithful to fill me, God. These things are draining me. People are draining. Who do I have but You? Why do I always put this hope in people when knowing that they'd never fill me? They too, like me, are human, are despicable, are sinful, are disgusting. I am realizing the extent to which I put my faith in PEOPLE and not YOU. It tires me. Drains me. Why do I aim to please them. and not YOU?

Thank You that You are sovereign. That i can be calm in midst of a storm because I know You will bring me out.

strangers.

Wo shi zhong guo ren. I am Chinese. Thus, I have Chinese parents. Like many Asian first generation immigrants, my parents worked hard to escape the life of hardship; they made everything out of nothing. My parents are doctors. And like many Chinese parents, mine also expect me to excel academically; they’ve worked so that I could live a better life. I am provided with all the tools of success: piano lessons, violin lessons, tennis lessons, SAT books, AP books, etc, etc.

But, in my parent’s overwhelming desire to see me succeed, we have become strangers. The dreams and aspirations that were fed to me at a young age no longer reflect the desires of my heart. I don't want to be a doctor or lawyer. Sure, being a doctor would be a smart choice. If anything, its a reasonable choice; my parents were doctors after all. I would have a foothold in the medical field, they’d be living resources to aid me throughout the competitive years of medical school. Or if not a doctor, than an least a lawyer, or accountant, since these were the careers that brought them out of the yellow dirt of China.

It's a trend. Nothing is enough for them. No success, no accomplishment will satisfy them. They are always searching for more, demanding more, needing more. They are dumbfounded that I want to be a history major. I can see through their superficial support. How can I, a daughter of two doctors, fail at math and science? It doesn't make logical sense. Nor do they want to tell their friends, because my choice seems like an irrational one. And further more, a teacher? I can also see their efforts to support me, but failing. That doesn't pay enough to lead a comfortable life style. I won't live luxuriously, I won't have the benefits I would, had I been a doctor, etc etc etc. While I focus on wanting to be a teacher, they are focused on finding an alternative for me. Psychologist? Physical therapist? Optometrist?

Their mindsets are forever stuck in their dreams, what they think is right. Yesterday, I was in the car with my mom, talking about the future, college, the usual. I told her about how I don't see the point in earning 6 digits a year, and working hours so long that I can't spend time with my family or friends. And how I don't find joy in being a doctor, and that I think teaching is the right choice for me. At the end of this shpeel, my mom turned around and told me, "you're outlook on life is wrong. you're morals are placed in the wrong place. your thinking will make you unsuccessful in life". Earlier, I told her about my plan to take a year off before college. Travel. Become immersed in culture. She shut me down. Told me theres no way, no how. That I have my whole life ahead of me, after college, after I've made myself into something.

Well, mom, my dreams are not your dreams. My outlook is not your outlook. I can't live the life you want for me. I don't want that life. We hardly spend any time together, because out of 12 hours, you are working for 9 of them. You don't know me. and I don't know you. I really don't have the rest of my life. Responsibilities will only add up. I'm sorry that I can't live the life that you've always wanted. But we are not the same. You put your hopes and dreams in being successful, in being comfortable. I don't want to be comfortable. I want to be intelligent. I want to see the world. I don't want to waste my 4 years in college, and pick a career that I'm not passionate about. And live the rest of my life in smugness. Never truly rejoicing. I know that I may never be a doctor like you, but I'm ok with that. I can't fulfill your wants for you. Let me live my life, like how you've lived yours.

Whenever my mom's mad at me, she can't seem to control her words. Phrases like "you're a failure, i regret having you, how can you be my daughter" flow out as easily as she lives and breathes. They hurt, no doubt. But to some extent, it's true. How can I be the daughter of a woman who was number 1 of her grade until she graduated college? How can I be the child of someone who is a doctor? I am their failure. I failed to grow into everything they've aspired for me to become. But. That's OK. I rather not live under their hopes. I might suffocate.