Tug of War

The verdict is LMU.

I confess that this was not an easy decision at all, but one that forced me to result to: making bar graphs, making pie charts, and then drawing slips out of a hat.

My reasons for choosing LMU are as follows:

In September, when I was still compiling my list of colleges to apply to, I made a decision to commit to serving at SBECC. At the time, I felt very strongly about my commitment, and prayed that if this was the direction that God was leading, that He would open doors for me. And so with that in mind, I applied to the most of the schools in Socal and Boston College/University for my out of states. The waiting period was filled with a lot of doubt and uncertainty; I felt looked down upon by people when I shared about my decision, it seemed as if they thought I was limiting myself and my future, like they were all going off to far places, and I was just...here; all in all, I felt very judged. I felt as if my commitment was wrong. When decisions came back, my ideal doors were not opened up to me. But the question I asked myself was, "Does not having those ideal doors opened change my decision to serve at SBECC? Should it make a difference?" Because my parents preferred that I went to a private school instead of a UC, the choices became Boston College, LMU, and Biola, this is where the struggles really began.

I was attracted to BC for its rank. I didn't want to be judged, I wanted to show people that I wasn't limiting myself. LMU and Biola were options because they were close to SBECC, but I really had no confidence in going to either. The sermon this past Sunday made a huge impact on my decision. One of his main points in his sermon on the Parable of the Talents was that the third servant made decisions selfishly, thus proving to be a hypocrite. He talked also about how God cares only if we are faithful to Him. His point about the servant acting selfishly really made me think about how if I chose BC, it'd be because I felt like I deserved it, and my own accomplishments brought me there. I'd go with confidence in my own abilities, and what I think is best for my future. I would be like the 3rd servant: a hypocrite. Furthermore, I had already made a commitment to serve at SBECC, going to BC just for it's name would be the betrayal of that commitment. If I chose BC, it wouldn't be out of faithfulness to God.

The choice between LMU and Biola was harder than I thought it would be. After my visit to Biola, I was so set on not going there. I felt very trapped and in a bubble there. But after researching LMU, not one website told me that LMU wasn't a superficial party school. The thoughts of not fitting in, not having friends scared me like crazy. On the outside, I might say that Biola was a great option because it offered me more resources for biblical instruction and spiritual growth, but deep down, I knew I wanted Biola because I'd be comfortable there. Even if I felt trapped, I'd rather be there where everyone else was exactly like me, then be at LMU where no one is like me. Again I stumbled on my own selfishness and insecurities. I didn't want to choose a school based on comfort or my own abilities, I wanted to be faithful knowing that God will provide for me even if I felt like the resources were scarce...and so, I ended up with LMU. It's a choice that allowed me to be faithful to the commitment I made earlier to serve at SBECC. I'm not sure if this is the right decision or not, or if I'll regret it or not, but I do know that there are many ways for God to work in the time that I'll be at LMU.

On Making Lists...

-Age 4: Mom takes me to live w/ grandparents in China while parents worked/studied in the U.S.

-Age 5: Living with uncle/aunt/cousin/grandparents in China. My cousin demanded the Barbie with the longer hair; I had to settle for the one with the short hair.

-Age 6: Mom comes to visit, brings HUGE Lego doll house, cousin is jealous.

-Comes back to the U.S, living in Pennsylvania.

-Had a bowl-cut; parent asks mom on the playground if I was a boy or girl.

-Didn't know how to say "bathroom" in English, made motions and gestures instead.

-First time to church

-Age 7: Cross country drive to California, got an Angelica from the Rugrats shirt at K-Mart. I still have it.

-Age 8: 2nd grade at Fairburn Elementary School. Massive crush on boy named Trenton. He asked me to marry him after I pitched a perfect game in kickball. I said yes. I later ditched him for Zach.

-Dad decides I'm going to become a Pingpong star when I grow up.

-Starts 3rd grade at Clover Elementary School. First time to Culver Palms Church of Christ.

-4th grade: Cracks up during school play, becomes the infamous "Giggle Serra"

-Kaie Yabushita professes his love for me by giving me a baby hamster, its cage furnished with a pumpkin bed. I named it Chloe.

-5th grade: Aaron Carter phase.

-Baptized at CPCC, didn't like the taste of crackers during Communion. Grandma slapped me for disrespecting God.

-6th grade: Orchestra teacher tells class to write "I will not talk in class" 300 times on paper, I was the only one stupid enough to do it.

-7th grade: Thought I was hardcore and decided to roller skate from home to swim practice in Westwood, a 4 mile trip. Died half way through, took the bus the rest of the way.

-8th grade: Moved to Rancho Palos Verdes, absolutely despised it.

-First time to SBECC.

-9th grade: Best friends with Ryan Ito o.O

-SG with Kelly, Alicia, Cher, Brandea

-10th grade: EHAP kicks off what turns out to be a struggle-filled year.

-11th grade: Won Coachella Tickets on the 98.7 FM, first time on the freeway with Heather.

-12th grade: No longer bound by the struggles.

Conclusion after 18 years:

I am still very young.

very immature.

very naive.

God proves to be sovereign.

And so begins..

...March:

the month of acceptances, rejections, anxieties, thanksgivings, disappointments, glimpses of the future, adulthood (but only by number).

I am antsy.

Unfathomable Truths.

In the Old Testament, there was a veil in the temple separating the Holy from the Most Holy Place; God dwells in the Most High Place. Only the high priest was allowed to enter the Most Holy Place, and even then, he was required to wear a veil over his face for if he caught sight of God, he would be struck dead.

This God, He is so holy that men were not worthy to even catch a glimpse of Him. Think about it. I mean, REALLY think about it. In front of someone highly respected, most people find the need to bow or stay quiet in reverence. But how many respected people do you know tell you that you're not worthy of even looking at them? Can you imagine knowing someone so awesome, so above you, that a peek will cause you to die? The thought of it blows my mind. This God must really be HUGE if even a glimpse will result in death.

When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, He asked God if the cup could be removed from Him. The cup He refers to is the wrath of God. Can you imagine the wrath of this God? This God that is so Holy that eyes could not even be laid on Him without it resulting in death, His wrath must have been SOOOOOOO BAD. Can you imagine making Him mad? This is a God that is angered by sin, that is jealous for justice and righteousness. I would rather die by being struck down for seeing Him, than have to suffer His wrath. That would be beyond brutal. And not only that, God hates the sin in one person. Though I've never killed anyone, my sin qualifies me for the burning pits of hell. But this cup, this wrath, it's not just for one person, it was supposed to spill over all of humanity. Not just for one person's deserving of hell, but for everyone. Ouch, to say the least.

It says in the Bible that Jesus was in agony at Gethsemane, "his sweat became like great drops of blood". No wonder Jesus felt abandoned. To have to suffer the intense wrath of His Father when He's done nothing wrong at all; His Father, the one who strikes dead those who look at Him, the one that punishes harshly those who sin even in the slightest ways, it just doesn't seem fair. But this could have only meant one thing: Jesus must have loved His Father SOOOOO much. This is not the type of love that I can easily understand. He must have had to love His Father with such a perfect kind of love to be able to love the people His Father loved, to be able to willingly submit to experiencing the abandonment and separation He did as He hung on the Cross.

"As we watch Jesus pray in agony in Gathsemane, He has every right to turn His tearful eyes toward you and me and shout, "This is your cup. You're responsible for this. It's your sin! You drink it." This cup should rightfully be thrust into my hand and yours."

-CJ Maheney

Thanks, Jesus, for trading our cup of wrath for one of salvation.

Isn't the Gospel refreshing? :)

Scattered Thoughts.

2 very different things on my mind right now:

1. "Ungodliness may be defined as living one's everyday life with little or no thought of God, or of God's will, or of God's glory, or of one's dependence on God...our goal in the pursuit of godliness should be to grow more in our conscious awareness that every moment of our lives is lived in the presence of God; that we are responsible to Him and dependent on Him. This goal would include a growing desire to please Him and glorify Him in the most ordinary activities of life."

-Respectable Sins, by Jerry Bridges

Currently reading Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges. The first sin he introduced was ungodliness. Reflecting upon the chapter, I was quite discouraged by how short I fell. So this week, as I journeyed onto being more mindful of God throughout my day, I noticed how little I included Him in my decisions, in my words, in my thoughts, in my actions. But rather to have me dwell in my own shortcomings, God was good to show me how good it is when I DO include Him. There is hope in His grace that He provides me when I so easily forget Him in all the doings of my week! This week, as anxious as I may have been, was a blessed week. Yea, it was busy, and yea, I was scared for my future but it was a blessed week because it was a God-filled week. The next chapter is on Anxiety and Frustration. I'm excited.

2. Today, saw a friend change her profile picture to that of her small group 4 years ago. It got me to thinking about how we've all grown up and are becoming our own person. 4 years ago, when small group first started, I was a completely different person, as were my sg girls. But now, we've grown up, matured some, learned some. It's interesting to see how God's worked in each of our lives throughout these 4 years. I think, it's helped me to see how differently God works, how distinct He is with each little detail in our lives. While reflecting, it's also made me see how different His timing is for each person's life. God grew/is growing me and my sg girls at different times. I think, sometimes I get discouraged when I see my friends straying or putting God aside. But then I am reminded of how perfect God's plan and timing is. I used to not want to grow up. But now I'm really excited to see God's timing revealed in my life.

*Side note: I love how God created us to be little pieces of Jesus to one another.

This entry is so scattered. That's alright.

Turbulence Ahead.

"Ladies and Gentleman, we are currently experiencing some turbulence. Please return to your seats and keep your seatbelts fastened until the seatbelt sign is off."

Whenever the flight attendant announces that on the overhead, I always go into a momentary state of minor panic, especially when the ride starts to get bumpy. Even after numerous flights to different places, my reaction remains the same. But the assurance that things will be OK seem to increase a little bit more after every flight.

The picture above brings me peace. The plane isn't far off from the clouds, and the captain must know that he is about to experience turbulence, fog, etc. But what comforts me is the fact that the plane doesn't speed up when it approaches the clouds, it doesn't try to get through it faster. No, the speed of the plane remains the same, it approaches it with the same calmness it did everything else. The shaking and bumping isn't caused by the plane, it's caused by the wind and air masses, so while outside forces shake the plane, the plane itself remains calm, going at the same speed as always, just with a little more caution. It's almost like it's sure that it'll make it to the other side, it "begins with the end in mind."

Just like the plane, God began with the end in mind when He created me. He saw past the grey clouds in my life. While I worry about finals, He already sees where I'm going to end up in life.

So this week, I will attempt to be that plane, the one that's faithful to stand strong during turbulence, the one that doesn't try to rush through cloudy times, the one that has assurance and hope of the sun waiting in the other side.

"All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be"

Psalm 139:16

Glad.

Currently reading the book of John.

The past month has been crazy with planning Crescendo, picking up grades, teachers cramming in last minute tests, and Christmas shopping. I realized that this school year, I seem to always be rushing, maybe because there are so many things to do, maybe because I'm too anxious. In midst of this mess, I've been telling God that He felt far away. But of course, how can He NOT feel far away when I seem to be dabbing at everything except my quiet times? I seem to be doing everything but spending time with Him.

That's why I'm rereading John. I need to be reminded of Jesus again through the Gospel. Can't just keep doing everything that I think will please God, without taking the time to actually think about who it is I'm working for.

So far, John's been a blessing. I get to marvel at the works of Jesus, and the subtle ways that He works.

"The friend of the bridesgroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. There for this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:29-30

Though John is talking about Jesus in that verse, it still reminds me so much of sacrificial love for others and serving in church. The past 2 weeks, God has really been teaching me over and over again the need to be made weak so that He can be glorified, and the need to truly love others before myself. Both are lessons I've learned before, but to really consistently do them seem impossible without God's subtle reminders.

I'm very thankful for 2009. Glad for all the blessings and growth, as well as the struggles and tears.

Current list of goals for 2010:

-finish Desiring God.

-finish the Relationship Series by Rick Holland (3 more sermons to go)

(more to come)