Glad.

Currently reading the book of John.

The past month has been crazy with planning Crescendo, picking up grades, teachers cramming in last minute tests, and Christmas shopping. I realized that this school year, I seem to always be rushing, maybe because there are so many things to do, maybe because I'm too anxious. In midst of this mess, I've been telling God that He felt far away. But of course, how can He NOT feel far away when I seem to be dabbing at everything except my quiet times? I seem to be doing everything but spending time with Him.

That's why I'm rereading John. I need to be reminded of Jesus again through the Gospel. Can't just keep doing everything that I think will please God, without taking the time to actually think about who it is I'm working for.

So far, John's been a blessing. I get to marvel at the works of Jesus, and the subtle ways that He works.

"The friend of the bridesgroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. There for this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:29-30

Though John is talking about Jesus in that verse, it still reminds me so much of sacrificial love for others and serving in church. The past 2 weeks, God has really been teaching me over and over again the need to be made weak so that He can be glorified, and the need to truly love others before myself. Both are lessons I've learned before, but to really consistently do them seem impossible without God's subtle reminders.

I'm very thankful for 2009. Glad for all the blessings and growth, as well as the struggles and tears.

Current list of goals for 2010:

-finish Desiring God.

-finish the Relationship Series by Rick Holland (3 more sermons to go)

(more to come)

clearly a blur.

Crescendo was on Saturday.

Reflecting on the event after, I honestly tell you that I don't remember much of the actual night. Feels like I was out of my body when everything happened. But for the parts I do remember, I have come to a conclusion.

I mainly remember the set up. Waking up with butterflies, thinking that this is what I've worked for all year, feeling shaky about the turn out, patting myself on the back for getting TNB and Clara Chung, etc. Setting up, everything that could go wrong, went wrong. A performer went AWOL, the lights that should have taken an hour to set up went way overtime, we were behind on schedule, the video was no where to be found, carpets weren't set up, worship band was starting late, it was raining like crazy, then, the power went out, twice. The first time, it caught me by surprise, i didn't know what was going on. But it came back on before I had time to panic. The second time, I naturally had expectations for it to turn out like the first one. Regardless, we gathered outside to pray. After awhile, it seemed pretty obvious that the power wasn't coming back on anytime soon. I began to panic. I felt defeated. Done. My pride was hurting, if I had any left. I failed. I battled between looking calm and releasing my true emotions. I had a team to carry through, I couldn't be the first one to break down. They trusted in God. What about me?As people searched for the fuse box, I stepped outside. The hugs from other people aimed to comfort me did nothing. I didn't want sympathy. Standing outside, I felt the tears starting to accumulate. The power came back on before they ever came out.

I don't really remember any of the performances. I can recall only TNB's. Everything else is a blur. But that's ok. As I was journaling tonight, I realized that perhaps God never allowed me to remember those things. Sure, i was there, i should be able to remember. But i don't. Instead, I remember how God saved me when I was defeated. How He took care of things before I broke down completely. How He is faithful to provide for me even when I have been unfaithful to Him. How He has grace for me even when I have been sinning against Him, ignoring Him, denying Him, questioning Him. He allows me to have peace when I have been leading with the wrong mindset. He is faithful when I am not.

I realize that, knowing me, had I remembered the actual event, I would've taken the glory in for myself. People have told me it was well organized, a good turnout, big bands. I can't recall the turn out, but I know that if I did, the glory would've been my own, not God's. Had I recalled the peoples cheers, they would've filled me up, not God.

I'm grateful that I can only remember the parts of the day where only God was glorified, and I was made into nothing. And that I can only recall when nothing was in my control, and I had no choice but to let go and let God.

Dear God,

Thank you for Truth that stands when my rationality fails. Thank You for mercy that prevails when I sin. Thank You for loving and saving me when I least deserve it.

In Jesus Name,

Amen.

Reflection.

"Each person needs someone to simply be there for him to listen and have compassion for him."

Thriller

Everyday, at around 1:30/2am-ish, I turn into a zombie. I go through this stage of haziness, my head gets all cloudy and dizzy. Then its like I'm living in another world. I'm not mentally at my desk doing work. This could be the result of sleeping 3 hours a night. But you know what it really is? If I stayed up until 4 everyday because I was doing honest work, then I don't think I would be zombie-like. I think it's cuz I basically waste time until 4, thinking I'm going to do work. I kinda dab at everything: math, envisci, eng, apps. But never really fully do any of those. Then of course, YouTube catches my attention, and next thing i know, i've finished 3 episodes of Gossip Girl. It's the lack of brain activity and constant staring into a computer that's making my brain cells fry, and thus, turning me into a zombie. Then of course, I go to school not really paying attention because I'm so tired already.

Seriously lacking some motivation.

This year is challenging.

Look at the stars...

Tonight was the Leonid meteor shower.

At 1ish, I went and made some hot chocolate, and sat on the steps on the porch to look at the stars.

At first, I thought I wasn't going to see any because the sky didn't seem too clear, and my neighbors lights were on. Regardless of which, I think sitting out there in the cold with the contrasting warmth of my drink has become my most peaceful time alone in a long time.

Within 5 minutes of sitting and staring, I saw a meteor zoom by me. I felt fortunate enough to have seen even one, under such conditions. Yet I couldn't help but wish for another, maybe a sky full? That'd be cool. As I sat there some more, I began to reflect upon my life, and God. I realized my spiritual life right now reflects so much of that meteor. (kinda cheesy, but go with me on this). After that one meteor had passed me, my eyes stared in that general direction, knowing now that it came from right to left, etc. Instead of wandering around looking at different areas, I sat and stared at that one chunk of sky, expecting another to pass by, in the same manner as the last. I suddenly became experienced. Likewise, I realized that while I am doubting God, I have experienced Him before. I know that He's real, He has revealed Himself to me before. But I'm sitting here waiting for Him to tap me on the shoulders again, in the same manner as last time. And if He doesn't do so, if He uses another approach, maybe a more subtle approach, then He must be a false god right? No! I shouldn't be limiting God to what I am accustomed to. He doesn't work under my rules.

God can't be limited to only that piece of sky.

want ad:

currently looking for:

-person to go to MOCA/LACMA with

-person who likes nature

-person who likes road trips

-person who likes coffee

-someone adventurous

would be nice if this was all one person, but would be ok if you only fit one category.

note: this is not an ad for a boyfriend.(but if you happen to be male, that'd be ok too. )

sidenote: i'm so excited for christmas i can't even breathe.

Oh how could it be?

I forget easily.

Every struggle seems to be new. It allows room for dramatic sighs, melancholy thoughts, and faltering doubts. It permits me to temporarily stand on wavering logs in the ocean, ready to tip at any moment, and ponder on hopelessness. It gives me an excuse to go with the way of the world for a little bit.

I never seem to remember that God has brought me through every struggle I've been through. While I question Him, He has been faithful to keep His promises: I have been struck down, but He has never allowed me to be destroyed, perplexed, but never in full despair.

I confess. In this spiral staircase of my spiritual life, I am overdue for a struggle. I have become comfortable with where I am spiritually right now; proud, even. On one part, grateful for how God's molded me these past 4 years, thankful for trials passed. But on the other hand, feeling smug and complacent, sort of a "oh how I've matured" type of thing.

I am reminded of the apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians. In chapter 12, Paul is explaining to the Corinthians about how when God gave Paul many revelations, he was given a thorn of the flesh to prevent him from boasting.

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me" (2 Cor. 12:7)

Who am I to boast of this minuscule progress I've made? What am I compared to God, in His holiness and pure perfection? This trial, this lowering in ranks, this lack of direction, I believe this is God's way of humbling me, bringing me back to my proper place. He's telling me to stop robbing Him of His glory, of His work. The sense of struggling leaves a familiar taste on my tongue because I trust that God will do amazing things through it, but it also brings a new taste, a taste of how much I will suffer this time, a fear of how much I will grumble. But when I am weak, then His power is made perfect in me.

Slowly, I've come to develop a love/hate relationship with struggles. I hate the uncertainty that seems to come with every struggle. Regardless of how much head knowledge I have, my emotions over take my facts, and thus results in uncertainty. I hate hate hate the emotions that come with struggling; the fears and anxiety, the uncertainty and doubt. But I love the process itself. The molding and refining, the realizations and discoveries. Trials are almost a tangible confirmation that God is working in me. I love even the pain and tears; it gives me hope knowing that one day God will be glorified through this and I will be more Christlike after this.

How wonderful it is that my God is one whose grace is sufficient for all my sins! That even in my grumbling and complaining, in my pride and selfishness, He loves me still.