Glad.

Currently reading the book of John.

The past month has been crazy with planning Crescendo, picking up grades, teachers cramming in last minute tests, and Christmas shopping. I realized that this school year, I seem to always be rushing, maybe because there are so many things to do, maybe because I'm too anxious. In midst of this mess, I've been telling God that He felt far away. But of course, how can He NOT feel far away when I seem to be dabbing at everything except my quiet times? I seem to be doing everything but spending time with Him.

That's why I'm rereading John. I need to be reminded of Jesus again through the Gospel. Can't just keep doing everything that I think will please God, without taking the time to actually think about who it is I'm working for.

So far, John's been a blessing. I get to marvel at the works of Jesus, and the subtle ways that He works.

"The friend of the bridesgroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. There for this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:29-30

Though John is talking about Jesus in that verse, it still reminds me so much of sacrificial love for others and serving in church. The past 2 weeks, God has really been teaching me over and over again the need to be made weak so that He can be glorified, and the need to truly love others before myself. Both are lessons I've learned before, but to really consistently do them seem impossible without God's subtle reminders.

I'm very thankful for 2009. Glad for all the blessings and growth, as well as the struggles and tears.

Current list of goals for 2010:

-finish Desiring God.

-finish the Relationship Series by Rick Holland (3 more sermons to go)

(more to come)

clearly a blur.

Crescendo was on Saturday.

Reflecting on the event after, I honestly tell you that I don't remember much of the actual night. Feels like I was out of my body when everything happened. But for the parts I do remember, I have come to a conclusion.

I mainly remember the set up. Waking up with butterflies, thinking that this is what I've worked for all year, feeling shaky about the turn out, patting myself on the back for getting TNB and Clara Chung, etc. Setting up, everything that could go wrong, went wrong. A performer went AWOL, the lights that should have taken an hour to set up went way overtime, we were behind on schedule, the video was no where to be found, carpets weren't set up, worship band was starting late, it was raining like crazy, then, the power went out, twice. The first time, it caught me by surprise, i didn't know what was going on. But it came back on before I had time to panic. The second time, I naturally had expectations for it to turn out like the first one. Regardless, we gathered outside to pray. After awhile, it seemed pretty obvious that the power wasn't coming back on anytime soon. I began to panic. I felt defeated. Done. My pride was hurting, if I had any left. I failed. I battled between looking calm and releasing my true emotions. I had a team to carry through, I couldn't be the first one to break down. They trusted in God. What about me?As people searched for the fuse box, I stepped outside. The hugs from other people aimed to comfort me did nothing. I didn't want sympathy. Standing outside, I felt the tears starting to accumulate. The power came back on before they ever came out.

I don't really remember any of the performances. I can recall only TNB's. Everything else is a blur. But that's ok. As I was journaling tonight, I realized that perhaps God never allowed me to remember those things. Sure, i was there, i should be able to remember. But i don't. Instead, I remember how God saved me when I was defeated. How He took care of things before I broke down completely. How He is faithful to provide for me even when I have been unfaithful to Him. How He has grace for me even when I have been sinning against Him, ignoring Him, denying Him, questioning Him. He allows me to have peace when I have been leading with the wrong mindset. He is faithful when I am not.

I realize that, knowing me, had I remembered the actual event, I would've taken the glory in for myself. People have told me it was well organized, a good turnout, big bands. I can't recall the turn out, but I know that if I did, the glory would've been my own, not God's. Had I recalled the peoples cheers, they would've filled me up, not God.

I'm grateful that I can only remember the parts of the day where only God was glorified, and I was made into nothing. And that I can only recall when nothing was in my control, and I had no choice but to let go and let God.

Dear God,

Thank you for Truth that stands when my rationality fails. Thank You for mercy that prevails when I sin. Thank You for loving and saving me when I least deserve it.

In Jesus Name,

Amen.