Reflection.

"Each person needs someone to simply be there for him to listen and have compassion for him."

Thriller

Everyday, at around 1:30/2am-ish, I turn into a zombie. I go through this stage of haziness, my head gets all cloudy and dizzy. Then its like I'm living in another world. I'm not mentally at my desk doing work. This could be the result of sleeping 3 hours a night. But you know what it really is? If I stayed up until 4 everyday because I was doing honest work, then I don't think I would be zombie-like. I think it's cuz I basically waste time until 4, thinking I'm going to do work. I kinda dab at everything: math, envisci, eng, apps. But never really fully do any of those. Then of course, YouTube catches my attention, and next thing i know, i've finished 3 episodes of Gossip Girl. It's the lack of brain activity and constant staring into a computer that's making my brain cells fry, and thus, turning me into a zombie. Then of course, I go to school not really paying attention because I'm so tired already.

Seriously lacking some motivation.

This year is challenging.

Look at the stars...

Tonight was the Leonid meteor shower.

At 1ish, I went and made some hot chocolate, and sat on the steps on the porch to look at the stars.

At first, I thought I wasn't going to see any because the sky didn't seem too clear, and my neighbors lights were on. Regardless of which, I think sitting out there in the cold with the contrasting warmth of my drink has become my most peaceful time alone in a long time.

Within 5 minutes of sitting and staring, I saw a meteor zoom by me. I felt fortunate enough to have seen even one, under such conditions. Yet I couldn't help but wish for another, maybe a sky full? That'd be cool. As I sat there some more, I began to reflect upon my life, and God. I realized my spiritual life right now reflects so much of that meteor. (kinda cheesy, but go with me on this). After that one meteor had passed me, my eyes stared in that general direction, knowing now that it came from right to left, etc. Instead of wandering around looking at different areas, I sat and stared at that one chunk of sky, expecting another to pass by, in the same manner as the last. I suddenly became experienced. Likewise, I realized that while I am doubting God, I have experienced Him before. I know that He's real, He has revealed Himself to me before. But I'm sitting here waiting for Him to tap me on the shoulders again, in the same manner as last time. And if He doesn't do so, if He uses another approach, maybe a more subtle approach, then He must be a false god right? No! I shouldn't be limiting God to what I am accustomed to. He doesn't work under my rules.

God can't be limited to only that piece of sky.

want ad:

currently looking for:

-person to go to MOCA/LACMA with

-person who likes nature

-person who likes road trips

-person who likes coffee

-someone adventurous

would be nice if this was all one person, but would be ok if you only fit one category.

note: this is not an ad for a boyfriend.(but if you happen to be male, that'd be ok too. )

sidenote: i'm so excited for christmas i can't even breathe.

Oh how could it be?

I forget easily.

Every struggle seems to be new. It allows room for dramatic sighs, melancholy thoughts, and faltering doubts. It permits me to temporarily stand on wavering logs in the ocean, ready to tip at any moment, and ponder on hopelessness. It gives me an excuse to go with the way of the world for a little bit.

I never seem to remember that God has brought me through every struggle I've been through. While I question Him, He has been faithful to keep His promises: I have been struck down, but He has never allowed me to be destroyed, perplexed, but never in full despair.

I confess. In this spiral staircase of my spiritual life, I am overdue for a struggle. I have become comfortable with where I am spiritually right now; proud, even. On one part, grateful for how God's molded me these past 4 years, thankful for trials passed. But on the other hand, feeling smug and complacent, sort of a "oh how I've matured" type of thing.

I am reminded of the apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians. In chapter 12, Paul is explaining to the Corinthians about how when God gave Paul many revelations, he was given a thorn of the flesh to prevent him from boasting.

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me" (2 Cor. 12:7)

Who am I to boast of this minuscule progress I've made? What am I compared to God, in His holiness and pure perfection? This trial, this lowering in ranks, this lack of direction, I believe this is God's way of humbling me, bringing me back to my proper place. He's telling me to stop robbing Him of His glory, of His work. The sense of struggling leaves a familiar taste on my tongue because I trust that God will do amazing things through it, but it also brings a new taste, a taste of how much I will suffer this time, a fear of how much I will grumble. But when I am weak, then His power is made perfect in me.

Slowly, I've come to develop a love/hate relationship with struggles. I hate the uncertainty that seems to come with every struggle. Regardless of how much head knowledge I have, my emotions over take my facts, and thus results in uncertainty. I hate hate hate the emotions that come with struggling; the fears and anxiety, the uncertainty and doubt. But I love the process itself. The molding and refining, the realizations and discoveries. Trials are almost a tangible confirmation that God is working in me. I love even the pain and tears; it gives me hope knowing that one day God will be glorified through this and I will be more Christlike after this.

How wonderful it is that my God is one whose grace is sufficient for all my sins! That even in my grumbling and complaining, in my pride and selfishness, He loves me still.